THE GENERAL PROLOGUE TO THE BAYSIDE TALES
I
All within the grayen’d walls
The fate of pupils there befall’d ;
For thoughts not being th’only tool
To sharpen inside Bayside school,
And conform or not to the rule
From seasons, equinox to yule
The primogeniturial sex,
Inside Bayside’s walls to vex
Going from school to home they did;
Thus constitutes their pilgrimage,
Doing their Llanito’s Haj,
Whilst on their breasts: the Bayside badge
As stars above in glory burn
And celestial orbs around do turn,
The lonesome fifteen-thirty bell
Is what the Bayside students yearn.
It’s what they want above all else,
Above all temporal aspiration
And any evil destination
So herein my interpretation.
To make the scene engendered,
To make the scene soon come alive
The personages I’ll describe
And further insight that accrues
As these descriptions do ensue…
So in order of there of rank
As here prescribed by just myself
As to the tales is given birth;
The Headmaster doth come first.
II
Straight from education’s senate:
Good ‘ol D of E&T,
Pontificating on the premise;
His post’s ephemerality,
Indeed, in relativity
To Bayside as an institution
To which he makes small contribution
Lasting one year, maybe two,
Is what headmasters tend to do,
Or lasting two years, maybe three;
The likelier propensity
For now the post that’s aforementioned
Is well contented, stately pensioned-
Gaining deputies’ attentions
Increasing therefore their retention.
Now past the introduction;
We see th’headmaster’s duties’ functions
And what he’s up to day-to-day
In making of the Bayside play.
The Bayside school, he oversees
A task he does with greatest ease,
The man in charge indeed, ’tis he,
In teachers there are none more senior,
Except th’headmaster there afore.
Indeed he is the proudest leader,
Allowing truants, rebels neither
And if in Bayside they do flourish
The D of E&T will punish;
Whether lines or belt or birch?
I cannot say, for ne’er ‘fore has
This punishment ever occur’d on Earth,
And th’Headmaster indeed chooses when
The time is right to leave his perch.
And once again is the ensuing
To find, a new headmaster’s search’d.
The headmaster’s priority
Is schooling the majority-
The thousand boys that day by day
Choose in the Bayside school to stay,
That enter in, not leaving fools
Whoms’t follow their Headmaster’s rule-
The daily running must go well
And all distractions th’headmaster must dispell.
What teachers say and are paid to tell,
The lonesome tolling of the bell,
Teachers being bodied, able
The smooth progression of timetables,
The dressing- never sloppier,
The working photocopier.
The store room being stocked with teas
Biscuits, markers and coffees.
Though with all th’above being said
There is a task th’headmaster dreads,
For not all of his work is pleasant,
Not all boys are worth his time
Not all of his work is fine
For when some behaviour presents
Itself as being out of line
Th’headmaster must step in at once,
And right and wrong he must define.
When behaviour inimical
Decides to show itself at all
The’headmaster, Dominus et Deus
Ensureth that justice befalls
So in case an altercation
Makes to him a presentation
Th’headmaster steps up to the plate
And steers it to a destination
To the defendant a mistake
And to the plaintiff an escape.
For ever, unto all the ages
The victim comes under his aegis
And the aggressor, bully, fiend,
Becomes himself quite lowly esteemed
And justice he does not forgo,
Though th’headmmaster says how far it goes!
And when this judgement is festooned
The boy doth shake from head to toe,
And if the boy may see redemption,
Then administer’d- detention
And if a great deal worse, suspension,
Though if the crime does cause repulsion,
The only course- th’offender’s expulsion.
Indeed ’tis not his finest task,
Not the highlight of his day
Though at least th’event has rarity
Hence is ting’d with criminality,
And as th’headmasters prologue ends
The teachers now I represent
As all in truth they are portray’d from
Nine anti meridiem till th’end of day.
III
In every classroom invariably
There with certainty’ll be
Th’inexorable duality;
Apollo the presiding
And Dionysus there in hiding
For though he reigneth strong in all
And fiery reins he has on call,
The Bayside charter makes him fall
At which the teachers are ne’er appalled,
And counter all pejoratives
With categorical imperatives.
For from morn to time crepuscular
They are the backbone of the school
Their endurance is muscular
Representing the establishment
Each and every haggard day,
Their numbers, questionable, are
Four-and-zero vertebrae.
They range in age from young to olde
Though mysterious they may be,
Characters hidden easily,
And all my nous regarding them
Thou shalt now be full-told.
Betwixt the posts of their career,
To protocol they all adhere
Though at a point so young and green,
Free to dream the Bayside dream
And let the Bayside dream be told
From now until its memory’s old
So during that initial sleep
Somniloquising in great peace
Until they find where cover’s at,
And instead of sore labour’s bath
Are eternally put to task;
Marking just more thoroughly
E’en though it’s done so hurriedly,
How hard it is, how hard it is
There is no time to rest their feet
How hard it is how hard it is,
Except those eight short summer weeks.
When through the clouds
The sun doth break
Teachers their ways to Bayside make
And when positioned at their stations
Thus begin my observations;
The day starts off with registration
The school day’s form of consummation
For now those grayen’d walls within
The education can begin.
Thereafter lessons one and two
The teachers with the boys are through
So every break they make the trip
To delight in civil-servant-ship
And together in this multitude
Who in their civil-servitude
Are never to be misconstrued
As they go to the great staff room
To talk of printers, mark schemes, unions,
All of which make contribution
To the functioning institution
That is the special Bayside world,
Comprehensive in every sense of the word.
The lessons three and four go by
And break again is had
And out at lunch they are not penned,
Though trying not to think of when
The lunchtime bell will ring again
So five and six doth pass so quick
Thus the teachers are out free;
The tolling of the three-thirty.
Hark! Hark! The dogs do bark,
And work is waiting to be marked
As through the heavens the sun does run
That charteth out the course of day
Through constellations unbeknownst
In which we have no choice to go
As stars around in glory burn
From now until the end of time
Down on Bayside they will shine
In life there’s always a solution”
Is the teacher’s contribution
“…except death”,
In itself th’impossible test.
And thus the second pillar’s described
And the description has arrived
To a department significant
And it seems their usefulness not scant.
IV
The technicians of technology
Next to the department “History”
Which is indeed appropriate
As from hence their computers seem to be…
And on it goes to those who’re hidden
For to transform is their sole mission…
The cleaners who in Bayside be
The boys don’t often get to see
Though if one stays behind, by four
Openeth then the cleaner’s door
And if of a curious persuasion,
Can well observe their operations.
To swarm may not be the right term,
Though o’er the school their presence’s firm.
The classrooms first are targeted
And swept and checked throughout:
The whiteboards wiped
The tables washed
The bins are taken out
And once the classroom work is done
They are afresh, without a doubt.
Next there are the corridors
As if they’ve been cleansed ne’er afore
Such is the grime laid on the floor,
Though soap and water on
The floor soon goes
Till to a shiny brown the linoleum is deposed
And all the dust is easily, quickly swept away
As if there was no chance at all
For it to cause decay.
The radio’s on, from whence does come
Kiss FM- party’s begun
As oe’r the chaos
Order’s won.
Other tasks of great importance
Are also done
The cleaning of the toilets there for one
And the windows and the chairs
As for tomorrow Bayside’s prepared.
The process is organised and
Well thought out indeed
Mops, buckets brooms are lined up regimentally
Before the cleaning doth proceed.
All the cleaners have their parts,
And know them well
As any lay-observer soon can tell.
And whilst it’s in this state pristine
The Bayside school is proud
Until the time when in its shroud
All the cleaner’s work’s dispelled:
The tolling of the morning bell.
V
I wish the head boy’s post not be belittled
Though of it I know but little,
A short description shall come through
Of a good Head Boy’s attributes
To find a boy so good and true,
The Bayside post he can’t refuse.
Proficient in English he must be-
Digests the force-fed poetry,
At mathematics he is adept,
Well versed in the functions of the X.
Behaviour too must be the best
To stand the disciplinarian’s test,
Homework finished all on time,
In class, worthy contributions in he chimes.
Not only he knows the academe-
On the sports-field, he is also seen.
Though to the rules he well adheres,
He can still engage with indifferent peers
Healing between them open schisms
With well-practiced colloquialisms.
The pinnacle of his conformity,
Indeed is in his uniformity
He knows the rules, stuck to well and true,
For his trousers are of stormy grey
And top of sullen navy blue,
On top of which- the Bayside crest,
Shows he moves at the school’s behest,
And if your clothes aren’t chosen by you,
Then your thoughts must not be too!
Ne’er a day has passed in time,
When that boy’s garb’s been out of line,
For the perfect line he’s toed,
Attaining sanctions he don’t know
And never one he’s ever had
Of that fact the school is glad.
Decreasing now in hierarchy
Are th’obedient deputies,
Of which the head-boy is the captain,;
For boys he is the chief of chiefs,
Upon his head the laurel wreath
A much admired, worthy capstan.
For duties he must be hell-bent,
To best the Bayside school present,
For those outside looking in,
The first boy they must see is him,
As well as that, he’ll be the last,
The other boys, sir, you can pass.
For this part he is well made,
God to him a smiling face was given,
As if a very representative of the realms of heaven.
As well as this, a wholesome wit,
Offending none a little bit,
And offending zero even more,
Indeed, makes listening ne’er a chore,
Though with such people as this,
The wholesome wit does not come quick.
In smiling, fears he does disband,
Eager to shake the stranger’s hand,
Pleasant will the head-boy be,
It’s been the case since seventeen A.D.
As well as this, he must make speech,
That impressionable ears does reach,
Aspiration to year eights bequeathed,
The head boy’s deputies its message preach.
Creativity, knows the head boy well
To repeat what he is told to tell
For very much the head-boy knows,
He cannot tread on any toes,
He listens, speaks when spoken to
And thinks of many things anew,
The same face that does now prevent us
From questioning the known consensus-
The deference the head boy shows,
Its thoughts can never be opposed,
He is the symbol, through and through,
To show that authority indeed, is true.
So now the head boy himself is known
The other ones are round the corner
So the lifeblood of the school be known
Ahead in time and ever former.
VI
One dash O dash O dash O:
The sum of boys whom to Bayside go
Their minds a’battered two and fro,
For malapropisms off they stave
Inside that allegorical cave
For once inside at the break of day
When sun breaks through the clouds,
They find themselves to be amazed
At the fine state which Bayside stays
In year eight come in neophytes
And in a state of greatened fright,
In year eight they come in at first
And one may think them at their worst
And though th’ideas are well-conceived
And though it does have some appeal
It is by no means the ideal
As if the school was in that state
Noam Chomsky would not be irate
For in that place so dastardly
Would reign the force of anarchy.
So there’s a plan that’s been devised
To keep the boys incentivised
So back to basics now we go
To get the year eight’s mind to know.
Planners first are distributed
To make the boy’s mind-set rebooted
And there within the planner’s pages
There that unholy page within,
In eight straight columns up and down
The sanctions page is to be found
Wherein abhorrent shame abounds
Seared into it with red pen
Which crucifies the bad behaviour
And makes antag’nists out of them.
But to complete duality
Credits there must also be
So small boys well-behaved go round
Making Bayside’s raucous sound
Searching for a credit’s chance
And completing the ambience.
The days of years of eight and nine
Are like the days of Pan, Apollo
Hermes, Silenus, from a boy’s
Perspective well carefree
Though on th’horizon, plain to see:
The coming of their mind’s persuasion,
The general certificate of secondary education
And like Prometheus’s gift
Wrought havoc on mankind,
The self-responsibility
Wreaks havoc on a poor boy’s mind
And from their cave they see the light
To which their teachers try and guide them
Though through the cave they try to go,
For all it is not so
And those who don’t try hard enough
Fall through unto the Styx below
And by that river I do swear
That if these boys do not deliver
They’re taken from th’Elysian fields
Of what years twelve to thirteen yield
For what employers want to see
Are boys who do just as they’re told
And ne’er deviate
Who come to Bayside every day
And never do so late,
So the employers can choose
And so define their fates.
So why Elysian do I say?
For seemingly if he does please
A boy never does have to leave
Doing yearly repetitions
In September, once per annum
They do their Gradus Ad Parnassum.
The sum of all this Bayside fun:
A well working curriculum
Though they are not the only ones
Who go through years of ten, eleven
To stay without an elongation
Find for themselves participation
In the time of Bayside true
Clothed all in royal blue
These two years ‘fore they’ve to see
The long face of Persephone
And if they do capitalise
With daring and with enterprise
They find themselves with pride and honour
Inducted to th’exclusive club
Of the Gibraltar scholars.
Onto further life they go
With an everlasting knack
Unless they want it all again
With more days inside Bayside spent
To suffer an ordeal repeated
In which case they come back
Back to that place that is so shrewd
The place they calleth Bayside School.
VII
So thus the prologue does conclude
With all the staff from bottom to top
And then to the poor boys to drop
Those boys who be there all around,
Those same boys all in thought profound
I find it is not misconstrued
For ’tis extremely accurate
Well-written and proficient,
From cynicism well absent
For its presence in don’t consent
So o’er these past pages read
And accurate depictions there conceived.
So with this foremost information
And thereby curiosity
Enter unto more of Bayside
If one’s patience has prevailed
And go unto the Bayside Tales…
